Have you ever felt as if your existence is linked to making other people happy or your worth is linked to your relationships with others—yet you are in a really bad place?  And, despite this, you keep on doing what you do. If you answered yes, you could be one of many people living a “co-dependent” life.

Co-dependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship—whereby the co-dependent supports (or “enables”) another person in order to achieve a sense of approval. Co-dependents often end up supporting those with unhelpful habits such as habitual drug use, alcoholism, binge eating, gambling or irresponsible behavior.

Typically, underpinning co-dependent behaviour is low self-esteem. The co-dependant’s low self-esteem leads them to seek happiness through others. They feel they have to save everyone and fix everyone—while placing minimal importance on their own needs. The co-dependant has good intentions; however, the intense desire for approval eventually becomes destructive and, despite this, the relationship persists—even though this means unhappiness for the enabler. Co-dependents usually hide their enabling activities from their friends, loved ones or intimate partners.

In October 2017 I was in a really bad place. It felt like my life was falling apart. My friends didn’t want to be around me. I was exhausted. I constantly felt like a failure. I felt worthless. I believed I couldn’t get anyone to stay in my life. I couldn’t even handle daily living tasks as I was so anxious. This turned out to be the nadir of life-long co-dependent way of life. It also marked a point of realization—my epiphany: There is something very wrong and I need to change.

I told my doctor how I felt. This was hard—especially as social work was my previous profession. I started therapy. I knew I had to regain some happiness in my life and needed to make some drastic changes. I had heard people talk about co-dependency but didn’t know much about it. After talking to my doctor and therapist, I decided to research co-dependency. I bought the book “co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie: It literally changed my life. It was like reading a book about myself except the book was sad and painful and made me realize how much work I needed to put in to make a change.  

So, how did all this happen? Melody Beattie offers a clue,

“Many of us learned… [that] when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval or emotional security we needed. So we’ve gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like mother or father, are unable to give what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is interrupted and stopped. It’s called unfinished business.”

Melody Beattie

Researchers have found that individuals going on to form co-dependant relationships are more likely to have learned to attune to their patents’ needs and feelings as children (rather than the other way around). In addition, individuals who form co-dependant relationships are often taught as children to make sacrifices and ignore their own needs.

After realizing the problem, I wanted to find out how to break this cycle of unhealthy relationship formation. My first step was recognition. I realized I was looking for love and acceptance in people who would not love me the way I love them. So I wanted to detach from my normal routine and relationships. Speaking to another person such as a therapist enabled me to identify the maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaviors that were involved in my unhealthy relationships. From there, I was unable to start breaking my unhealthy cycle of behaviors. Therapists, such as cognitive-behavior therapists (CBT), can coach co-dependants into developing healthy amounts of assertiveness (maintaining appropriate boundaries in the relationship) and actualize the responsibility which lies in the supported individual.

Like any other condition, people can recover from a life of codependency. However, be gentle and patient with yourself. This is a marathon of healing not a sprint. I hope this article will help others in a similar situation to my own. I have found that sharing my story with others is a form of healing in itself.

To find out more about co-dependency and how to stop it in its tracks, you can email EquanimityPsychologicalServices (#EPS) @ enquiries@equanimitypsychologicalservices.co.uk or follow Chloe @ https://www.instagram.com/chloeasilver/

Love

Chloe Silver  

By Chloe Silver BSc. (Hons.) | Edited by Thomas Brown BA (Hons.) PGCert. MBPsS
© 2018 Chloe Silver
All Rights Reserved

Resources

You can screen yourself to identify symptoms of co-dependency @ http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency