My Life Terror

In 2011, I thought I was losing my mind. I could no longer feel love, or attach. I felt numb to everything; I was more aggressive by the day. I no longer felt connected to my own son. I thought at any moment, something bad would happen. I did not know who I was. The experience I was having turned out be the nadir of the devastating trauma-induced disorder: Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

So What is PTSD?

PTSD is a psychiatric disorder. The condition emerges when a person, involved in (an) extremely traumatic event(s), reexperiences their trauma over a period of time (at least a month) and frequently generates emotional distress and avoids objects/situations that resemble the trauma. Unlike other experience, trauma goes well beyond an adverse event; it involves exposure to (including learning of) actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violence. Traumatic events include: physical attack, forced sex, being kidnapped, being subject to torture, witnessing terrorist attack, being involved in a natural disaster or waking during surgery.  

The recurrent psychological reexperience of a trauma (“intrusion symptoms”) are necessary for diagnosis and can manifest as: Involuntary distressing memories of the event; recurrent bad dreams related to the trauma; feeling or acting as if the trauma was happening again (“flashbacks”); or intense prolonged psychological distress or physical reactions when in contact with situations that resemble the trauma.

In addition to these intrusion symptoms, people with PTSD invariably experience changes in their thinking (cognition) and, in turn, mood. Affected individuals may report persistent negative self-beliefs (e.g., “I’m bad”, “no one can be trusted”), which can lead to depression. However, fear, horror, anger, guilt and shame can also emerge in PTSD. Many people with people with PTSD also describe a sense of detachment or estrangement from others. In some cases of PTSD, people describe the sense of being in a dream or report a sense of unreality.

It is estimated that around 3.5% of U.S. adults aged 18 to 54 (5.2 million people) are diagnostic of PTSD in any a given year. Veterans and people with “high risk” vocations (e.g., police, firefighters) have a greater likely of developing PTSD.

My Story

PTSD took my soul. It robbed me of my happiness, my love, my life and, for 5 years, it remained undetected. The symptoms I was having made me feel that every day was a living hell. Each day I felt more and more detached from myself and people around me, I had no clear vision as to what was happening to me. I felt nothing. It is the scariest feeling to have; to no longer feel connected to your own son. I was afraid to be left alone with my son or any child for that matter. I thought at any moment, something bad was about to happen and this was going to be my fault. My partner at the time had no idea what was going on: He watched as I lost my mind.

It took a year before I sought help. I went to see several psychologists. They all believed I had a case of severe anxiety with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Yet, OCD didn’t seem to fit what I was expressing and I was not content with this assessment. The feelings I was having included dreamlike feelings and numbness. Despite this, they were all insistent it was just OCD.

Unhappy with my diagnosis, I eventually located a child psychologist. She had me play in sand (a type of expressive psychological therapy). She believed I was experiencing PTSD due to childhood trauma. To her, I was the victim: she witnessed the significant amount of fear I had while she watched me play. The session made me feel so relieved: that finally I had an appropriate diagnosis. She educated me about PTSD and how it was impacting on me. I went on to see another therapist who specialized in PTSD and hypnotherapy. She worked intensely with me, to help control the distress. She allowed me to articulate, to cry, to express my anger, and so much more. She provided a safe space for me. She made me feel like she cared, and she was there to protect me. I always felt safe in her presence. She guided me through my recovery process.

But why did my PTSD emerge in the first place? By recalling my past, I was able to identify a trauma in my childhood which, to this day, still affects me. When I was 6-years-old, I was exposed to sexual activity I was not prepared for. My 3-year-old cousin was with me at the time. I was forced to do something sexual which, in my heart, I did not want to do. The feeling I remember at the time was “being stuck”. This feeling still replays: I still get a stuck feeling in my body. I wanted answers about my experience as a child. I went looking for my little cousin about 4 years ago; I found out she had committed suicide at 14 years of age. I never got the answers I was looking for.

As with my case and many more, sexual abuse can be profoundly damaging, yet society rarely educates people on third party sexual abuse. I was never told that another child, younger child, could have that much influence over my psychological state. Child victims of sexual abuse do not know they are being abused; many repeat the same behavior they experienced with other children, not knowing this is damaging. It can be a repeated cycle. I believe parents need to be alerted not of just adults but children as well. 

My reflections on my experience

Although PTSD affected me greatly, it provided me with insight into mental health and sexuality. It forced me out of my comfort zone; it made me connect with people I would have never connected with. My PTSD is beautiful. The disorder helped me to build relationships and discuss tough topics I would have never been open to. I hate what happened to me but I do recognize the good that it brought to my life as well. The most important thing in life is to have is a sound mind. Many of us take for granted our mind, but without a healthy sound mind nothing can be achieved.  My advice to anyone who thinks they may be affected by PTSD, sexual abuse or any emotional problem is seek advice with a skilled mental health professional. For me, it took a long time to get the right help, but I did eventually get what I needed.

By Melysa Rosario AA BS | Edited by Thomas Brown BA (Hons.) PGCert. MBPsS
© 2018 Melysa Rosario |  

All Rights Reserved

Please note: The definition of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); outlined in this article, is extracted from the DSM-5 diagnostic manual - published by the American Psychiatric Association (2013).